When Should Couples Seek Counselling? Winterthur Expert Shares Key Signs

Most couples don't fall apart overnight. The distance grows slowly and quietly, until one day it feels too wide to cross alone. By the time many partners consider counselling, months or even years of unresolved tension have already taken root, and the patterns become much harder to break.

Research confirms that couples wait more than two years on average before seeking help. Working with a relationship counselling specialist sooner makes a real difference in what's still possible to repair. What many couples don't realise is that the clearest signs they need support are often the easiest ones to dismiss.

Why Couples Put Off Getting Help

The most common reason couples delay is the belief that counselling is a last resort, something you try when you've already given up. So they wait, hoping things improve on their own, until one or both partners simply can't take it anymore.

That thinking is worth questioning. A therapist isn't there to pick sides or declare a winner. Their role is to help both partners see the dynamic more clearly and replace what isn't working with something that actually does. The earlier that happens, the more there is to work with.

The Signs Worth Paying Attention To

Katharina Gallusser, a relationship counselor based in Winterthur, Switzerland, explains that every couple is different, but certain patterns tend to show up consistently in relationships that would benefit from outside support. If several of the following feel familiar, that's worth taking seriously.

When Every Argument Feels Like Déjà Vu

Disagreements are normal. But when the same fight keeps coming back week after week with no real resolution, it's usually pointing to something deeper than the surface issue. Recurring conflict around money, parenting, or day-to-day routines often reflects unmet needs or a growing sense of not being heard. Relationship therapists explain that repeated arguments are rarely about the topic itself — they’re about the pattern underneath it.

When Talking Feels More Harmful Than Helpful

Poor communication doesn't always show up as shouting. Often, it looks quieter than that: avoidance, sarcasm, or shutting down when things get hard. Relationship psychologist John Gottman identified four patterns that are particularly damaging over time, specifically contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Left unchecked, these erode the sense of safety that honest conversation requires. When most interactions leave both partners feeling worse, outside support can help rebuild what's been lost.

When the Closeness Has Quietly Disappeared

Intimacy isn't only physical. It's the sense that your partner genuinely knows you and wants to. When conversations stay shallow, curiosity about each other fades, or physical affection gradually stops, the relationship can start to feel more like a shared arrangement than an actual partnership. That kind of distance rarely corrects itself without deliberate effort, and often benefits from the structure that counselling provides.

When Trust Has Taken a Hit

Whether the breach involves infidelity, financial dishonesty, or repeated broken promises, damaged trust doesn't heal on its own. With genuine accountability from both sides, repair is possible. Professional guidance provides a structured space to process what happened, understand why it did, and decide what rebuilding would realistically require.

When Life Changes Put the Relationship Under Strain

Becoming parents, losing a job, moving cities, or navigating grief can all shift the dynamic between two people in ways that are hard to manage alone. Even positive changes carry that risk. What worked before may not fit the relationship anymore, and counselling during those transitions helps both partners stay connected rather than drifting apart in the middle of it.

How to Find the Right Fit

Deciding to go is only part of it. Finding a therapist that both partners feel genuinely comfortable with is just as important, because the quality of that relationship directly affects what the sessions can do. A few things to consider:

• Experience with your specific situation: Someone who has worked with couples facing infidelity, communication breakdowns, or parenting conflict will bring more targeted insight than a generalist.
• Therapeutic approach: Some therapists focus on practical communication tools, others work with deeper emotional and attachment patterns. Knowing the difference helps you choose.
• Mutual comfort: If one partner feels unheard or judged in sessions, progress stalls. It's reasonable to try more than one therapist before committing.
• Logistics: Consistent attendance matters, so format, location, and scheduling need to work reliably for both people.

Worth noting: one partner can start individually, even if the other isn't ready. That alone can shift the dynamic at home, and sometimes it's what eventually brings the other person in.

Does It Actually Work?

Research suggests that around 70% of couples who go through counselling report a positive impact on their relationship. That said, both partners need to show up willing to engage honestly and do the work between sessions, because the sessions alone aren't enough.

It's also worth being clear about what "success" means here. For some couples, it means rebuilding and moving forward together. For others, counselling helps them see that separation is the more honest path, and it gives them the tools to handle that with more care, especially when children are involved.

When It's Not the Right Option

There are situations where joint counselling isn't appropriate. When abuse is present in the relationship, shared sessions can create additional risk rather than safety, so individual support and proper safety planning always come first. Similarly, if one partner is experiencing a serious mental health crisis, that needs its own focused treatment before couples work begins.

Taking That First Step

Seeking help isn’t a sign the relationship is failing. If anything, it signals that both partners still care enough to try. For couples noticing persistent distance, recurring conflict, or communication breakdowns, speaking with a qualified couples counsellor can provide clarity about what comes next — whether that means rebuilding stronger foundations or making thoughtful decisions about the future.

Katharina Gallusser | Paar- und Familienberatung
City: Winterthur
Address: 46 Zürcherstrasse
Website: https://www.katharina-gallusser.ch